Cat Dancers

I recently saw this mesmeric documentary narrated by Ron Holiday. A fantastic old bastard chronicling his abuse of both large cats and fragile humans. Rons burning gay intensity set fire to my television set as he explained his first encounter with Chuck Lizza, “it wasn’t rape… no…it was something beautiful”.
Rons fanciful story about Thailand at the end is truly one of the finest moments ever captured on film.
The moccasin did it.

Great comments and stills here: fataculture
Less than sympathetic review here: screenology

fat balls

I thought I saw a puffin
Looking in the fucking window.

Tiffin tins,
The type for cooking puffins in.

I didn’t see a puffin.

I bought wild bird seed
And the imaginatively titled “fat balls”.
I got these in Lidl
With 6 2 litres of water
All for 6 euro 70 cent

Can’t argue with that.

Cheap as “fat balls”

I put the food out for the birds.
Nothing.
Not a dickie bird.
Cheeky bastards.

Perhaps they don’t like “fat balls”
Fucking puffins.

Are they jackdaws?

I was on the roof when I seen the crows
Hundreds of crows, swarming
Hundreds.
I thought, are they jackdaws?
well they’re not fucking budgies.
I don’t know.
But they were silent. Like crows are.
What the fuck are they doing?
I thought as I hung to the window in the wind.
There was hundreds, swirling, swooping around.

Would I have noticed them if I hadn’t got up to fix the roof
Would I have looked up
To see
Hundreds of swarming crows.

I looked at them for five or ten minutes
Then I went in and got a camera
I never seen so many crows
flying

I took a couple of photographs against a grey sky.
It looked apocalyptic.
But I knew the photos would look dull,
Nothing could look as sinister as this,
flat.

The following day I seen some
In the field
Pecking.
“there is nothing in that field only cows” I thought.
What the fuck are they eating.

Later I talked to a friend,
I told her about the crows,
And seeing them in the field,
I suggested they were eating the cow shit,
She suggested they were eating the beetles in the cow pats.

She’s probably right

Snow on frost

Why is my name not frost,
Or snow,
Or something like that.
Then I could entitle things with;
“snow in Africa”
Or
“a touch of frost”

No.

That’s been done.
I think David Jason was a detective,
Called jack frost.
So why did they call the show “a touch of frost”.
It makes me think of David Jason as a paedophile.
I never seen “a touch of frost”.
I looked at the episode guide website,
It has episode guides.

The following is taken from “Care and Protection” 1st Series 1992:
Det Insp William Edward, “Jack”, Frost alternates his police duties in Denton, a town in southern England near Bristol,
I’ve been to Bristol I thought it was quite dirty
But there was a nice bridge High up In a valley
Probably for trains, or something.
with nursing his terminally-ill wife, Mary, leaving her in the care of nurse Shirley Fisher during the day.
Is there a suggestion jack frost was having it off with the nurse?
He is assigned a new Detective Constable, Clive Barnard, the nephew of the chief constable, to assist him in the investigation of a missing young child, Tracy Uphill.
Is Tracy short for something?
Barnard incidentally discovers that Frost has been awarded the George Cross not long before, for trying to disarm a man, being shot twice in the incident.
We must use our imaginations to guess where he was shot,
Probably in the balls.
While looking for the missing girl in local woods, the police uncover a man’s severed arm chained to a locked strong box, which turns out to be empty.
Again we must imagine if it was the right or left arm.
Checking with Sandy Longford, the editor of the local Denton Evening News, identifies it with the robbery of two men making a bank transfer that occurred 30 years previously.
Then it must have be skeletised or at least mummified.
Soon after Frost interviews the survivor of the robbery, Ronald Garwood, he is found shot dead, by the same gun that killed the other man at the time.
That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Frost interviewed a dead man?
Is he psychic?
Frost’s wife finally dies, at Denton Hospital, leaving him bemused and with just his work to occupy his life now.
Did nurse Shirley do it?
I think he was having an affair with her.
Could he not have got a hobby?
For his spare time
He correctly identifies the person behind the robbery and killings, though this involves him with another face-down with an armed person, and the girl is handed in to the hospital.
Well done frost.
But was the girl interfered with,
Probably.

If my name was snow,
This poem could be called
Snow on frost.
Or if my name was frost;
It could have been
Frosty, frost.

I think there’s going to be frost tonight,
Or even…..
…A touch of snow

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

ROBOT ARM

If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Says beyonce
While dancing about
Unusually
With her huge hole

If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
She implores
While dancing about
Unusually
With her huge hole

I imagine she’s talking about her finger
And marriage
Rather than a leak
And O-rings, rubber moulds, gaskets, grommets or seal ring washers

Oh oh oh!
She says with a cautionary air
While dancing about
Unusually
With her huge hole

She has a robot arm
This I struggle to explain
While dancing about
Unusually
With her huge hole

…she has a robot arm

Eoghan Quigg

you wee pig
you bedimpled nit
you little shit
you cheesy boof
you hairball o’tooth unt shirt

grinning gobshite

Eoghan Quigg
you wee pig

I looked at your bebo page
Eoghan Quigg
you wee pig

Asked if he thought he and Diana might become a couple, Eoghan told this week’s Heat magazine:
“It’s possible… maybe… or maybe not.”
Eoghan Quigg
you wee pig
you Worthsworth of the heart
you sharp little razor

Eoghan Quigg
you wee pig

Saying meeting Diana was “the best experience” of his life, he continued:
“She’s a really lovely girl and we have got a strong bond together…
We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”
conversely Diana may have compared Eoghan Quigg to
“a smear test”
she may have continued “Eoghan reminds me of having a frog die inside my vagina”

Eoghan Quigg
you wee pig

SantaBabi on your bebo says’
omg (EOGHAN)
u sexy cunt ya
id do ya any day ya sxc cunt ya
i love u so fuckin much bbz
i was cryin 4 ya wen u didint wen the xfactor bbz that bitch shouldint off u should of bbz

ILYSFMB=l love u so fucking much babe={

She’s obviously your sister
Or your mum

EQYWP= Eoghan Quigg you wee pig

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

The big dead pigeon

The big dead pigeon
That crows’
been laughing at you.
Squashed by a truck
Flat as fuck.

CAW CAW.

The big dead pigeon
Look at your feet
They make me sick.
But I look.
Stumpy foot.

CAW CAW.

The big dead pigeon
Who’ll eat you now?
Probably a rat
Rats eat pigeons
Feet.

CAW CAW
CAW CAW

The sofa will never be the same

Goodbye Fiona Phillips
I barely knew you
Princess of GMTV
Goddess of 7am to 9.25am
Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend
In truth you were not my lover
Nor my friend
Sometimes I didn’t even want you on the telly
But I allowed it
I always thought you were about to say something funny
But you never did
Not even once.
If truth be know
You looked a bit haggard
At least Kate Garraway is still there
she did the programme on breast milk
Which was good.
In other news;
A Rwandan senior defense official was convicted of genocide.
what a bastard
Someone off American idol killed themselves
Because Simon Cowell was mean to them.
perhaps they had some issues.
And Microsoft has fixed the security issue with IE7.
i don’t really care, i use firefox.
Goodbye Fiona Phillips
The sofa…
Will never be the same…
Again.